Authenticity

I remember as a child of about 8 or 9 years old looking up into the sky and seeing a plane fly by. I remember praying to God and asking him to drop a friend to me from the sky. That's how lonely I felt as a child. I never fit in anywhere being myself. I was either too loud, or too flamboyant, too feminine, whatever it was I just never fit in. My entire life I have tried to do everything I can to fit in, just wanting to be loved, just wanting to be accepted, just wanting to belong... somewhere. But, it never mattered what group I was trying to fit into I was always the odd one out. I think that's why I have so desperately craved a relationship, at least one person who understands me, who gets me, who loves me unconditionally... and even that has never worked out for me. There's always something wrong with me, not masculine enough, too fat, too skinny, too young and now too old. I've even had someone tell me I was 'too nice'. I have realized how much of myself I bend to try and please other people and anytime I stand boldy in who I am it feels like people run the other way. Maybe my spirituality was weird or too intense, or not the mainstream. But, there always seems to be something that sets people off of me. So having recently lost another friend and being ghosted by someone I was supposed to have a date with, I sat in my loneliness and asked my guides. WHY? Why, after all these years is this still happening to me? And the response I got was two-fold. But it struck me to the core...

“Brian, young one. We love you so much. And we feel your pain and your loneliness. And we are surrounding you now with so much love and tender care. We know this is not the same as someone on your physical planet giving you this same degree of care and love, but we want you to know how immensely loved you are and how DEEPLY we SEE and CARE for YOU. EXACTLY AS YOU ARE.

From a young age you learned that some people withhold love, withhold care and withhold attention when your behavior does not match their expectation of you. So you learned to adjust who you are to please others. In very small subtle ways at first, but then to larger and larger degrees as your fear of losing them or displeasing them became greater. When you adjust who you are to please another person, you move from the center of your beingness, the core of who you truly are, the authentic CORE of Brian. So some people will attach to the 'partial' essence of your energy in the beginning and then as you relax and the TRUE CORE of who you are is revealed they suddenly are no longer a vibrational match to the energetic core of your true nature. So a natural disconnect happens, as it is truly impossible for you to completely hold on to the energy of that facade you created in order to maintain the connection that was introduced when the energy was LESS of who you truly are. When the disconnection or abandoment or break-up happens, you then blame yourself, because you see this as an abandonment of your true self, when in actuality what has happened is that the person who has left could no longer sustain an energetic connection to the TRUE WHOLE BEING of who YOU ARE. That's on THEM, not YOU!

When you look at the CORE of who you are you will see that you are only sharing about 25% of that energy field with the world around you. So it is nearly impossible for you to find your tribe, because your vibrational essence is being shielded, covered, protected BECAUSE of your fear of abandonment. So the PEOPLE who TRULY MATCH WHO YOU ARE CAN NOT EVEN FIND YOU! And the people you are BENDING to MATCH are NOT a match to who you TRULY ARE. This is not a judgement of YOU or of THEM it is merely showing you that in order for you to TRULY FIND the energy of your VIBRATIONAL TRIBE the ESSENCE of WHO YOU ARE must SHINE FULLY AND COMPLETELY at your CORE!

You have said your circle is small, your classes, your friends, the spirit family around you. And this is by design. Because those with whom you have chosen to TRULY SHINE YOUR ESSENCE ON and STILL REMAIN, you KNOW FOR CERTAIN they are a vibrational match to your core. And while that number may be few, you know for certain that their energy, their love their connection is TRUE and SINCERE.

So our charge for you now young one is to, STAND TALL IN WHO YOU ARE. STAND TALL IN THE ESSENCE of WHO YOU ARE FULLY AND COMPLETELY and this is our promise to you. That you will resonate as a pure beacon of the LOVE, JOY and LIGHT that you are radiating out into the world and the TRIBE that is meant to be part of the VIBRATIONAL FAMILY of the ESSENCE of that LOVE will come surrounding you fully with their TRUE, AUTHENTIC LOVE. SHINE, BRIGHT ONE SHINE.”

With tears streaming down my eyes I could feel their message reach a deeper place in my soul than I think I have ever felt before. I realized instantly how much of myself I have kept hidden out of fear and judgement and loss. And yet it still hasn't kept me from it. In fact, it is just that place of fear that has kept me from truly BE-ing who I KNOW I am MEANT TO BE.

So from this day forward I am making a commitment to myself not to hide, not to cover, not to bend to what I think any one else needs to see or hear of me. And I commit to being 100% my true and authentic self, no matter what that ends up looking like or seeming to be to the world around me. LOVE me or LEAVE me it does not matter to me. As long as I am shining out the authenticity of the BE-ing I am and who I came here to BE.

To my family, my few close friends, my amazing students and co-horts I have to say THANK-YOU from the deepest part of my BE-ing. For, SEE-ing who I truly am in all my messy, emotional and loud and sometimes chaotic self. And STILL LOVING ME, STILL STANDING BY ME, and STILL HONORING WHO I AM. You mean more to me than you will ever ever know.

With The Deepest Gratitude and Most Loving Heart,

Brian